Monday, December 27, 2010

Thoughts on Motherhood

I'm not a good writer, that's no secret to anyone. So while I was blog stalking I came across this post from a new mom like myself. She described my feelings about my children perfectly.

(the following is taken from a cool blog called Nat the Fat Rat)

When I let my mind wander in the quiet of my dark bedroom, as I rock my Huckleberry in his tight swaddle and look out over the twinkling New York City apartments, I become convinced that our babies must be made up of little slices of our very own souls, slices that we unwittingly part with when we feel those first stirrings of maternal longing. How else to explain how so very familiar he is, how much I feel I've known him all along.

Maybe I know him because he is part of me, fitting tightly into a space within that was carved to perfectly fit his form.

Or perhaps I knew him before in a more tangible way. Perhaps we are merely souls reunited after a long separation. As I sway in the darkness, his head under my chin, I wonder what we talked about before this. I wonder if I promised him that I'd find a way to bring him to me, even if it was difficult, even if it seemed impossible. Or did he reassure me, that he would always be there waiting? I wonder whether it was I providing the comforting before we parted ways or he. I wonder now, as I look at his little helplessness, who really needs the other more.

It seems obvious to me that he is mine, and that he was supposed to be mine all along. Sometimes in the dark I imagine that on the day he was born the Universe shifted to correct for its imbalance.

Sometimes, as the lights from distant windows twinkle, I let myself believe there is no other being created who was better made to love this tiny person.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Sweet Child of Mine

(Sing that title and do the appropriate dance, as Axle would, please)

So here we are, home with TWO kids! What a trip this week has been. It all started 9 months ago... ok that's lame. I'll fast forward to December 15th. We had to be at the hospital by 6 am, so of course there was a big snow storm the night before. We had planned on leaving early to give ourselves lots of time, but that didn't exactly happen. My parents picked Gwen up the night before, (since they are selfish and didn't want to come to our house at 4.30 am) So we didn't have to worry about her. We showed up to the hospital and they were ready for us. We went right in to our room and got the party started.

On our way out the door

Planned c-sections are a lot different than going through 15 hours of labor and then having one. They strapped me into the monitors, gave me an IV and then had me walk into the OR. I was terrified, but it wasn't as bad as it was last time. This time it was a spinal block instead of an epidural, which was better since I hated the epidural, but hurt A LOT more to get. Then they put the curtain up and started cutting. I, of course, started to shake uncontrollably. I shook for maybe 4 hours. The surgery itself was about an hour and a half long. The doctor let Brett take some photos of her pulling Boston out of my stomach, which was pretty cool, in that gross way. He came out with all of his fingers and toes.

Told you it was cool in that gross way, but totally amazing too!

I look awesome!

Of course this story wouldn't be complete without one traumatic event. After I got back into the delivery room my heart rate dropped to 39, which is LOW. When the nurse saw that she said, "that can't be right!" so she checked the old fashioned way, by counting it, and said, "wow, yep, it's THAT low." The doctors ordered a 12 point EKG to check everything out. By the time the tech came to do that, it had returned to normal and they let me go upstairs to the postpartum floor. The anesthesiologist came to see me later and felt strongly that it was a result of the spinal block. My doctor isn't so sure and is going to make me have a big stupid test after I recover. Blah.

The stay at the hospital kind of sucked this time. The nurses weren't very attentive or helpful so we left as soon as we could. It has been nice to be home in my own space with my bed and being able to take the pain pills when I need them and not feel like I'm being treated like a drug addict when I asked for them. The pain is more manageable this time, although it's still very painful. I have found myself getting bitter that I'm not able to have babies the regular way. Although I guess both ways have pros and cons.

Totally awesome view of the parking structure from our room

All ready to go!

We are so grateful for our little Boston and that we are all healthy, well at least me and Bos are. Brett and Gwen have nasty colds. We've had lots of support from our friends and family and couldn't be more thankful for it. I don't know how people do this without that support, especially given the fact that I can't get out of bed without Brett's help.

Gwen absolutely loves Boston. The first time she met him she wanted to hold him forever and give him hugs and kisses. She has been very sweet with him although she has started throwing some serious temper tantrums, which is to be expected. I feel so bad that I can't lift her up and hold her. But Brett has been giving her extra attention to make up for my lack of being a mom to her.

And of course her visit to the hospital would not have been complete without this.

She's a little bigger than she used to be!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Boss

Boston Scott Shirley

Born December 15 at 8.28 am. He weighed 7 lbs. 5 oz. and is 19.5 in. long. He's perfect and tiny and wants to eat ALL THE TIME. Oh, and c-sections still suck!

More to come later.

Monday, December 6, 2010

This explains it all

With only 9 days left until I have this baby, this picture shows how we all have been feeling around here. The hospital called tonight to pre-register me for NEXT WEEKS c-section. When she said, next week, I almost fell over. I'm counting down the days, heck, I'm counting down the hours until I get to be not pregnant again, but when it's put in those terms... next week... it makes it a little hard to breathe. Ok, a little harder to breathe because let's be honest, I can't breathe right now anyways. I am trying to get everything ready, but I'm not doing too great of a job at it. I'm tired. Really tired. This baby doesn't like to move with me. He fights me whenever I move a direction he doesn't like, making it even harder to breathe or stand or sit.

So while all I want to do is complain, cause that's what I do, I do want to say that I am very grateful for this time in my life. I'm grateful for this experience and for this baby. I'm grateful for the friends and family that have been so supportive and helpful. And Gwen, sweet dramatic Gwen, I sure get bugged with her during the day, but every night I miss her. Except for last night, when she decided to wake up and stay awake until about 3 am.

Oh and Stella sure is a peach these days. Gwen tortures her all day but she just takes it. I love that little monster!

What's wrong with this picture?

She prefers to put her shoes on herself.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Guess who had a baby shower?


I wasn't able to have one with Gwen... with all the bedrest and crap, and I always felt slightly jilted because of it. Lame, I know, but I can't help it. So my family put this one together/ I forced them to put this one together! Tons of people, tons of gifts, TONS of fun! I'm so appreciative of everyone's generosity and kindness for this baby and since being laid off. I feel very blessed to have the people I have in my life.