Thoughts on Motherhood

I'm not a good writer, that's no secret to anyone. So while I was blog stalking I came across this post from a new mom like myself. She described my feelings about my children perfectly.

(the following is taken from a cool blog called Nat the Fat Rat)

When I let my mind wander in the quiet of my dark bedroom, as I rock my Huckleberry in his tight swaddle and look out over the twinkling New York City apartments, I become convinced that our babies must be made up of little slices of our very own souls, slices that we unwittingly part with when we feel those first stirrings of maternal longing. How else to explain how so very familiar he is, how much I feel I've known him all along.


Maybe I know him because he is part of me, fitting tightly into a space within that was carved to perfectly fit his form.


Or perhaps I knew him before in a more tangible way. Perhaps we are merely souls reunited after a long separation. As I sway in the darkness, his head under my chin, I wonder what we talked about before this. I wonder if I promised him that I'd find a way to bring him to me, even if it was difficult, even if it seemed impossible. Or did he reassure me, that he would always be there waiting? I wonder whether it was I providing the comforting before we parted ways or he. I wonder now, as I look at his little helplessness, who really needs the other more.


It seems obvious to me that he is mine, and that he was supposed to be mine all along. Sometimes in the dark I imagine that on the day he was born the Universe shifted to correct for its imbalance.


Sometimes, as the lights from distant windows twinkle, I let myself believe there is no other being created who was better made to love this tiny person.

Sweet Child of Mine

(Sing that title and do the appropriate dance, as Axle would, please)

So here we are, home with TWO kids! What a trip this week has been. It all started 9 months ago... ok that's lame. I'll fast forward to December 15th. We had to be at the hospital by 6 am, so of course there was a big snow storm the night before. We had planned on leaving early to give ourselves lots of time, but that didn't exactly happen. My parents picked Gwen up the night before, (since they are selfish and didn't want to come to our house at 4.30 am) So we didn't have to worry about her. We showed up to the hospital and they were ready for us. We went right in to our room and got the party started.

On our way out the door

Planned c-sections are a lot different than going through 15 hours of labor and then having one. They strapped me into the monitors, gave me an IV and then had me walk into the OR. I was terrified, but it wasn't as bad as it was last time. This time it was a spinal block instead of an epidural, which was better since I hated the epidural, but hurt A LOT more to get. Then they put the curtain up and started cutting. I, of course, started to shake uncontrollably. I shook for maybe 4 hours. The surgery itself was about an hour and a half long. The doctor let Brett take some photos of her pulling Boston out of my stomach, which was pretty cool, in that gross way. He came out with all of his fingers and toes.

Told you it was cool in that gross way, but totally amazing too!

I look awesome!

Of course this story wouldn't be complete without one traumatic event. After I got back into the delivery room my heart rate dropped to 39, which is LOW. When the nurse saw that she said, "that can't be right!" so she checked the old fashioned way, by counting it, and said, "wow, yep, it's THAT low." The doctors ordered a 12 point EKG to check everything out. By the time the tech came to do that, it had returned to normal and they let me go upstairs to the postpartum floor. The anesthesiologist came to see me later and felt strongly that it was a result of the spinal block. My doctor isn't so sure and is going to make me have a big stupid test after I recover. Blah.

The stay at the hospital kind of sucked this time. The nurses weren't very attentive or helpful so we left as soon as we could. It has been nice to be home in my own space with my bed and being able to take the pain pills when I need them and not feel like I'm being treated like a drug addict when I asked for them. The pain is more manageable this time, although it's still very painful. I have found myself getting bitter that I'm not able to have babies the regular way. Although I guess both ways have pros and cons.

Totally awesome view of the parking structure from our room

All ready to go!

We are so grateful for our little Boston and that we are all healthy, well at least me and Bos are. Brett and Gwen have nasty colds. We've had lots of support from our friends and family and couldn't be more thankful for it. I don't know how people do this without that support, especially given the fact that I can't get out of bed without Brett's help.


Gwen absolutely loves Boston. The first time she met him she wanted to hold him forever and give him hugs and kisses. She has been very sweet with him although she has started throwing some serious temper tantrums, which is to be expected. I feel so bad that I can't lift her up and hold her. But Brett has been giving her extra attention to make up for my lack of being a mom to her.



And of course her visit to the hospital would not have been complete without this.

She's a little bigger than she used to be!

The Boss

Boston Scott Shirley

Born December 15 at 8.28 am. He weighed 7 lbs. 5 oz. and is 19.5 in. long. He's perfect and tiny and wants to eat ALL THE TIME. Oh, and c-sections still suck!

More to come later.

This explains it all

With only 9 days left until I have this baby, this picture shows how we all have been feeling around here. The hospital called tonight to pre-register me for NEXT WEEKS c-section. When she said, next week, I almost fell over. I'm counting down the days, heck, I'm counting down the hours until I get to be not pregnant again, but when it's put in those terms... next week... it makes it a little hard to breathe. Ok, a little harder to breathe because let's be honest, I can't breathe right now anyways. I am trying to get everything ready, but I'm not doing too great of a job at it. I'm tired. Really tired. This baby doesn't like to move with me. He fights me whenever I move a direction he doesn't like, making it even harder to breathe or stand or sit.

So while all I want to do is complain, cause that's what I do, I do want to say that I am very grateful for this time in my life. I'm grateful for this experience and for this baby. I'm grateful for the friends and family that have been so supportive and helpful. And Gwen, sweet dramatic Gwen, I sure get bugged with her during the day, but every night I miss her. Except for last night, when she decided to wake up and stay awake until about 3 am.


Oh and Stella sure is a peach these days. Gwen tortures her all day but she just takes it. I love that little monster!

What's wrong with this picture?

She prefers to put her shoes on herself.

Guess who had a baby shower?

I DID!

I wasn't able to have one with Gwen... with all the bedrest and crap, and I always felt slightly jilted because of it. Lame, I know, but I can't help it. So my family put this one together/ I forced them to put this one together! Tons of people, tons of gifts, TONS of fun! I'm so appreciative of everyone's generosity and kindness for this baby and since being laid off. I feel very blessed to have the people I have in my life.

I should TRY to find the joy

But I just want to complain. I'm so freaking pregnant. I'm grumpy. Very grumpy. I'm sore all over. I'm tired. I'm bored. I'm mean to my little family which makes me sad. All of my nails have broken, which is not supposed to happen when I'm pregnant. I normally have awesome nails while I'm pregnant. I have a broken blood vessel on my cheek which looks terrible. I'm fat. I'm lonely. I'm stressed out about all that needs to be done before the baby is born. I'm stressed out about everything. I'm nervous about having MAJOR surgery to have this baby. I'm worried about being a mom to TWO small and very needy children. I could cry at the drop of a hat. I could scream at the drop of a hat. I can't believe how fat the contestants still are on The Biggest Loser and how stupid they all are. I hate that I can hear my neighbor's tv ALL THE TIME! I'm sad Gwen isn't going to be the center of our world soon. I'm worried what having this second baby will do to her.

The thing I look most forward to in a day is watching certain shows on tv, so that's why the Biggest Loser came into play. The thing I look most forward to in my week is going to the doctor and getting away from Gwen for 2 hours. What a glamorous life I lead.

Talk to me in 2 weeks and 1 day, maybe I will have found some joy by then.

Although this picture does bring me some joy.

Just cause

She's so cute.

Monster was sick

Stella got VERY sick in September. She had to have her second surgery this year. This one was a result of kidney stones. She had 3 that were the size of a dime and a bunch of smaller ones the size of sand. When she got home Gwen tried to comfort her by giving her, her baby doll. I think it probably helped.

Punkin

Last month we went to the pumpkin patch with some friends. I just barely downloaded the pictures from my camera. Gwen seemed to have fun but she didn't like walking through the field. She kept getting stuck on the vines.

And those pumpkins are still sitting on our porch, not carved. We're lame.

32 weeks 6 days

Or was it 5 days, I can't remember. BUT...This was the time I went into labor with Gwen. Here's hoping that doesn't become a tradition. I'll let you know what the dr. says tomorrow. I have already started showing signs of pre-term labor and was put on meds to stop it. Tomorrow's appointment will tell us whether those drugs have worked or not. Hopefully I don't have to call Brett from Labor and Delivery telling him to come down and meet me, again.

UPDATE: I had my appointment today and all is well. I don't have to take the medicine as long as I'm not having lots of contractions, which I'm not. We talked about when I would have him. The dr. thought my due date was the 22nd, so she wanted to deliver him on the 16 of December. I asked if we could do it another day, since that is our wedding anniversary. She said we could do it the day before, but then realized we couldn't because they can't deliver the baby earlier than a week before it's due date, and my actual due date is the 24th. So maybe we will have him on the 17th (if her schedule permits) but probably on the 20th (my dad's bday and my good friend, Dayna's bday too). For me, I think the sooner, the better, so I'm rooting for the 17th. We'll see....

Halloween

Crap, Gwen is cute!

Can you guess what we are?

All the grandkids with Oma and Pops

This was the first year Gwen went Trick-or-Treating. She freaking loved it! We went to my parent's house thinking, 'it's a nice neighborhood, maybe we'll score some full size candy bars!' We didn't, but we still had a lot of fun. We started out the night with dinner and then headed out. Right as we started the weather turned and the skies opened up and it POURED! I've never seen it rain so hard. You would think Gwen wouldn't like that, well you would be wrong. She didn't want to be under the umbrella, she didn't want to be held, and she didn't want us to hold her bag for her. She ran as fast as she could to catch up with the older kids and dragged her candy bag behind her as she squealed! When she would get up to a door she would push her way to the front and hold her hand up waiting for the candy. It was so funny. Then she would have to be the last to leave the door saying, "Tank tu!" as she waved like crazy saying goodbye to the people at the door. She did this at every single door. Near the end of our Trick-or-Treating the rain started to let up and a double rainbow came to visit. It was gorgeous! We could see the start and finish of the rainbows! We had a great time and can't wait for next year to share it with our new little guy!

Oh I forgot got our camera, of course, so all the pictures are courtesy of my sister-in-law.

Hidden Blessings, I think

I got laid off last week. The reason given was the economy, I hate this economy. I was pissed, to say the least. The whole reason I wanted to go private on this blog was so I could rip my former boss up one side and down the other without it being used against me. Making Memories likes to do that. They like to use things people write on their blogs as ammunition to fight unemployment, etc. So I had a post all written up and ready to go. There were some choice words used and lots of anger. However as the week went on, I decided it wasn't worth it. My former boss knows how two faced she is. She knows that she and the other people in "upper management" have made a really despicable move by firing me when I am basically unemployable (due to the pregnancy). And really, she would never read this. Other people would, maybe still will and would tell her. And me spewing my anger on my blog doesn't change the situation. It doesn't put food in my daughter's mouth or pay my mortgage. Ok, so there might be some residual anger, mostly toward my former boss, the totally innocent bystander that hasn't said one bad thing about me since I left... right.

Moving on...

As the week went on and the tears stopped flowing so easily, I started to realize that this situation, as terrible as it feels right now, is probably an answer to our prayers. We have been praying since Gwen was born that we would find a way for me to stay home and take care of her. Well, guess what I've been doing this week, staying home to take care of my daughter. The Lord knew the only way I was ever going to stop working was if Brett was making significantly more money than he is now, so He took things into His own hands, like He likes to do, and pulled the job out from under me. That sounds like I'm mad at Him about this, I'm not, it's just a fact. This was the only way I ever would have stopped working. Ever.

This week Brett and I have struggled with a lot of questions. How are we going to pay our bills has been a BIG question, but more importantly we've been asking ourselves, 'What's more important?' Is it more important to have me stay home and take care of our kids (and be dirt poor, DIRT POOR), or is it more important for me to work, so our family can have nicer things, a bigger house, vacations, food, etc. Our faith teaches us that the first is more important, I understand that, but I didn't know that I didn't really believe it, until now, I think. Nothing has been decided, I am still looking for jobs, praying for freelance, (since who the freak will hire me right now), freaking out every few hours and wishing that my prayers had been a little more specific. Lesson learned there!

All in all, this experience has taught me to have more faith in the Lord. He knows what our hearts desire, He knows what we need and what we can handle and He will never give us more than that (even though it might seem like it). I've also come to realize how generous and kind people can be, even when they are not in great situations themselves. This week I've had the urge many times to hoard things. Thinking, 'I can't give that away, I NEED it!' But I also need to remember to serve people. You know like that scripture says, "When you are in the service of other people ye are in the service of the Lord" That's not totally right, and Brett's asleep so I can't ask him, but you get the point. Maybe I should say, I get the point!

So, we're on to bigger and better things. Not sure what that means, but we'll figure it out. There's still tears of anger, hurt, frustration, and fear, but I know we'll be ok. Now my problem is trying to figure out how to be a stay at home mom without killing my little girl. Anyone have any suggestions for that little problem. And what the freak do I do all day? And don't say clean, my mom has already given me that little talk.

I'm going private.

Leave a comment or email me if you want to keep reading this. Even if I don't know you, I'll still let you read. You've got until Thursday cause I've got a killer story to tell and I don't want certain people to be able to read that story.

Special case

{This will be me shortly}

Today I went to the doctor for my almost 29 week apt. I've been having contractions since last Tuesday and today she gave me the bad news. I can't work out anymore. This is one step away from bedrest people! When I asked her if she realized how much weight I was going to gain if I didn't work out, she said, "Well I can give you the medicine you were on last time and hope that works, but it might not." This isn't the magnesium sulfate, it's the medicine you take at home, every 3 hours or something. When I got out of the hospital the first time, I had to take this medicine. I had to set an egg timer for 3 hours, even throughout the night! It was irritating to say the least. So, long story short, I'm gonna get fat. Really fat. But the baby will hopefully stay put. She also said that I'm a special case and she now wants to see me every 2 weeks to "keep a close eye on me." Why am I a special case?! And why doesn't my overactive uterus want to keep babies in it longer than 30 weeks?!

Do I even own a camera?

I'm not sure if I do because the last 3 posts have been pictures from someone else. And furthermore, do I ever watch my own kid?! Well not really so I have to depend on those that do, to document her daily life, and what a fun life she leads. She gets to play so hard that she falls asleep while eating! When was the last time you did that?

Dancing Queen

Gwen's babysitter took this video of Gwen dancing the other day, and sent it to me while I was at work. It made my day, take put it mildly. I LOVE GWEN and dream of the day I get to stay home and see this crazy kid all day long! But until that day arrives, I'll be content with crappy cell phone videos taken by her babysitter.

Glamour Shots

{Courtesy of our friends the Ivins, again. Thanks to Di for watching Gweezy last week! You're the coolest!}

State Fair '10

We decided to venture out to the fair again this year, with 2 main goals. Goal one, see all the animals and let Gwen go crazy mooing at them all. Goal 2, eat something fried to golden perfection! We went with our friends, so that's the little guy you'll see in some of these pictures. We forgot our camera, they had theirs, so all of these photos are courtesy of them. Thanks Ivins!

Goal 1:

Her favorite stop was the cows. She LOVES cows! Moooooooo!

The view of the whole fair from the giant slide (our friends went on it while we stuffed our faces with fried oreos)

Goal 2:

It was hard to make the decision of what to buy, since each possible heart attack on a plate was freaking expensive, we only bought one thing and shared. We settled on the oreos. Maybe my expectations were too high. I thought these fried oreos would be the best things ever to be eaten. Ever. I was WRONG. They were soft and mushy inside, gross. The dough was good, but the rest was a waste of calories. I should have gone with the deep fried, chocolate covered bacon. Not even kidding, that was an option! GAG! But don't worry, I still have hope that one of the fried options is delicious, so until next year deep fried foods, hopefully I make a better decision then!